Or a few … on just about everything …

Scheduled for lunch with the girlies tomorrow in commemoration of Lani’s 28th birthday on the 22nd.

I’m at work and my eyes are dried out from staring at this screen and sitting in the air conditioning. But I did get to run a story on Brian May finishing his doctorate in astrophysics … so maybe that makes up for it.

Sometimes I wonder why I’m having a baby. (Well, besides the spontaneity of the entire event.) I didn’t want to be a mom yet – I wasn’t sure if I would ever be. There are still things I feel like I could be doing without a kid hanging off me … traveling the world, earning money to buy my own home, working on the next great novel or poem … but would I be doing any of those things anyway, whether she’s here or not? There’s a real appeal to the idea of Wayne and I going steady for years and years, sipping coffee during quiet mornings together, spending our money on travel and books, going out to listen to the band whenever we feel like it. No diapers, no loud crying, no tantrums. A peaceful existence where we focus totally on ourselves doesn’t seem so terrible.

And then again, I don’t see her arrival as a setback or a burden. Most of the time I’m excited about it and I think it could be the start of something great, diapers and all. Wayne and I are going to shape a human being – and do our best not to fuck it up. A big part of that is how we relate to each other for the rest of her life. Whether that entails marriage is still up in the air. Marriage has to be something we both want to do – and we’re both sure we’re ready for. All that would ideally come before a baby … ah well … c’est la vie.

I want to be a good mom. I really do. I want to balance parenthood with my own growth and exploration. We’re never done growing. She’s a part of my process now. I am in love with someone I haven’t even met yet. I’m willing to make sacrifices for her – like moving back in with my parents to save money for our own house. As much as I adore my apartment and my independence, I know it’s the most practical thing to do.

I can hardly wait to meet my girl. And if her kicks are any indication, she’s anxious to get out into the world too.